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| There was a time when I was desirable
Well that’s what I thought.
Men wanted me…and then when done
I was alone again in my world of deception.
Just another one. Just one more and then
Maybe I would feel what I so much wanted…
But what was that? I didn’t have a clue.
I wanted to be loved, touched, affirmed and
of some worth by another man. But each time
I felt unfulfilled. I need another.
Marriage family and all. Life passes by until…
Even now the ache is still there…
The thought of times gone by… but now..
Beyond desire…just another…the eye takes in
Searching all over…for what?
Hopelessly a pawn in a game of my own doing
Drawn through countless corridors of the past
And the ever present daily struggle... G |
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Smile Overtaken Lust Pale Lost Innocent
Footsteps Echo’s Pause Cold Concrete
Love Scent Gentle Caress Touch Skin
Muffled Shadows Enclosed Furtive Care
Shiver Searching Glancing Heartbeat
Anticipation Trembling Warmth Strength
Smell Breathing Sighing Whispers Love
Soft Smooth Dangerous Desire Warmth
Anticipation Trembling Strength Tension
Tension Quick Guilt Relief
Escape Emptiness G
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Another Day
Follows just like the others
Days, weeks, months, years
The cycle
So well known
Hard to avoid
There again
Anticipation, guilt, dirty
Alone in another world
Surrounded
The atmosphere
Intense
How to break it
It is not just that simple
The roots are deep
Good intentions a plenty
But…It takes more than them
The mind struggles
Then there is God
Yes he knows too well
This wayward being
Struggling and excuse making
Gutless in my commitment
Clothed in sin
I know all the words
I know it all
Living in this world beyond
Even still I am there
Alone in another world
Another day
G |
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The
Conversation
We talked about past and present
Life played out
in reality and mind
What was I doing here?
We laughed and joked.
I can’t believe
it …here I am…
AGAIN
I search…but for
what?
Some are there
but not for me.
I avoid some and
others…
I feel
inadequate.
Others, unaware
of my glances
Lovely in form
and looks
I want to touch,
feel…smell
I want to consume
them.
That would make
me feel good
Or would it? It’s
never enough.
“Relationships
don’t last”, he said.
“Fifteen years
then over…
Now I am a filthy hoar
Can’t get enough…”
Jolted back to
the truth…
The heart aches,
searching.
Never to be
achieved
Life will always
be a search
I have all that I
need I know
Even more and yet
I do know right
from wrong
My heart – my
head
But the battle
rages within
I search and
dream.
He said...
“It’s in you from
the beginning”,
“You can’t help the
way you feel.”
The barbs are truly
embedded
A figure goes by
I recognise him…I
recall
“Can I?” he said.
“No” was my reply.
Gaunt…gentle…lifeless
eyes…
What an idiot I am…
Do I not value my life?
“His partner died of
AIDS”, he said
I must go...reality
hitting home.
Go I did… but just in
case
I went and had just one
last look
Does it never
end? G
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Man In A Caravan
The eyes were sunken and circled….looking out
…..At one time they had obviously been bright and vibrant but their present
state only echoed that past. The skin was drawn over the narrow structure of
the face……..red and blue and tight. The hair was long and thin and grey and
clung to the head….the beard growth of a week hid the shallowness of the cheeks
and the thin dry lips which were covering his discoloured few remaining teeth.
Pathetically he sat there…a shadow of his
past....laughing nervously and making polite conversation…..all I could think
was….this man is not well….is this what it is all about?…is this where it all
ends?….is this the bright and happy lifestyle as it is portrayed?….
He sat there in his caravan…..surrounded by
collections of all sorts. No rhyme or reason…the telly going…the table full of
pills and cigarettes…the stale stifling air …..Is this what one spends a
lifetime to end up like?…all that he has is here….wrapped up in a caravan with
paper over the windows and no sign of light to come in except through the
door….. how many are like this….
I wanted to go…I felt trapped….not just
physically but paralysed in my mind….but how…I made an excuse…”back in a moment
I said”…I fumbled with the door knob…the door opened and I stepped out….the air was fresh…I ran…my head
was spinning and I felt numb…I had to get away…I should not have been there…I
should have not gone away from my pathway that I was on ….I just ran…and where
to…right back to my “safe hole”….and I sat there…shattered…what was I
doing?….why did I allow that too happen?…what is happening to me?…I had never
done that before…….and still…… I go on …whipped up in a frenzy of desperation
and yet …….what now….? My mind is so consumed by this addiction and I allow it
to control me…and yet what I see I don’t like and yet I still am beckoned by
Satan to do….
Did I turn to God…did I cry out to him…no
way….I felt so sick in this escapade in the “ways of the worldly”…I was angry
at myself and also felt a total failure…I felt contaminated in my mind……praying
for me was the last thing…I had on my mind….and yet if I had taken the time…but
no I was running away again as so many times in the past….right back…oh how I
wished that I had some loving arms to wrap around me and say to me it is
okay….but I felt alone…because I had acted on my own.
I wanted closeness and yet I seemed to have
created a greater distance between my Heavenly Father and myself. For I know
that he could have given me a warm and
loving and caring embrace and closeness that would have felt good and he would
have held me tight and told me that it would be all right….and yet I still went
seeking….will it ever end….
Later I met the man with whom to the caravan I went
and he looked at me with pain in his eyes and said…was it something I said ? Is
it me?
I looked at him….caught up the same as me….I
said No….I explained why….I said I felt trapped….I felt scared of the man in
the caravan….not as a person but what I saw and what it brought up in my mind
and that I felt as though I was suffocating emotionally…. and still with those
eyes he said….I understand …you only needed to say so…I was upset to see you
go…
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