I am just me and a I struggle daily in my journey and sometimes I even fall flat on my face. I am not ‘blinkered’ by my faith but for me without it I doubt that I would be alive today. I am just human…and do I know it…
‘You are a sinner’… ‘You will go to hell’ is the Christian message that has been told to many LGBT people. I had those words firmly fixed in my mind as well. But when the going was good I didn’t care…
It’s amazing when I look back at how I managed to survive in life. I was lonely…but sex was not on my radar as strange as it sounds. I focused on my work and boozed myself to oblivion…my way of handling a sexuality that I could not define. I was living in a very small rural area where everybody knew everybody else. Because of my dysfunctional upbringing experience I had a very distorted view of relationships and a great distrust in people and a hate for the person I was. I think the mind just overrides some of that. My self esteem was nil . My schooling was a nightmare especially because of my size and my very timid nature.
My first real sexual experience came through my own doing. I discovered the great comfort in masturbation. It wasn’t until my mid twenties that I met a really lovely girl and we married that I discovered all about man and women sex. Up till then it had just been self help…not really very intimate and based on all sorts of thoughts. In our marriage I have an incredible love for my wife…always have yet the sex and intimate side has always been a challenge for us. Five years into our marriage and three children later I was focused fully on my career and booze entered again…the marriage relationship started to strike rock and I then one evening…booze filled and feeling quite lonely had my first male to male sexual contact…as much as I knew it was not right I found it filled a certain need within me. Initially I was disgusted with myself to the point of being physically ill. Little did I realise how this new found “fulfilment” would come to dominate my life to the point that it nearly cost me my life, my marriage, my career and all.
‘You are a sinner’… ‘You will go to hell’ is the Christian message that has been told to many LGBT people. I had those words firmly fixed in my mind as well. But when the going was good I didn’t care…
It’s amazing when I look back at how I managed to survive in life. I was lonely…but sex was not on my radar as strange as it sounds. I focused on my work and boozed myself to oblivion…my way of handling a sexuality that I could not define. I was living in a very small rural area where everybody knew everybody else. Because of my dysfunctional upbringing experience I had a very distorted view of relationships and a great distrust in people and a hate for the person I was. I think the mind just overrides some of that. My self esteem was nil . My schooling was a nightmare especially because of my size and my very timid nature.
My first real sexual experience came through my own doing. I discovered the great comfort in masturbation. It wasn’t until my mid twenties that I met a really lovely girl and we married that I discovered all about man and women sex. Up till then it had just been self help…not really very intimate and based on all sorts of thoughts. In our marriage I have an incredible love for my wife…always have yet the sex and intimate side has always been a challenge for us. Five years into our marriage and three children later I was focused fully on my career and booze entered again…the marriage relationship started to strike rock and I then one evening…booze filled and feeling quite lonely had my first male to male sexual contact…as much as I knew it was not right I found it filled a certain need within me. Initially I was disgusted with myself to the point of being physically ill. Little did I realise how this new found “fulfilment” would come to dominate my life to the point that it nearly cost me my life, my marriage, my career and all.
My desire to change my way of living was that I knew that I knew that I would loose all I had
and in moments when my conscience was able to be discerned among all the other stuff was that I wanted to hang onto life even though I had tried to end it.
There are many who have spots on the web and who write books and ‘pontificate’ over orientation and also if there is even such a thing as sexual addiction. There is a ‘war’ between the ‘gay’ and ‘ex gay’ camps. I don’t care about that…what I do care about is the individual and the choices that they make and that they are happy with those.
I admire those who have been able to achieve their goals and overcome ‘whatever’ and who write about it and share…they write from the heart with experience…
and in moments when my conscience was able to be discerned among all the other stuff was that I wanted to hang onto life even though I had tried to end it.
There are many who have spots on the web and who write books and ‘pontificate’ over orientation and also if there is even such a thing as sexual addiction. There is a ‘war’ between the ‘gay’ and ‘ex gay’ camps. I don’t care about that…what I do care about is the individual and the choices that they make and that they are happy with those.
I admire those who have been able to achieve their goals and overcome ‘whatever’ and who write about it and share…they write from the heart with experience…
“Recovery from sex addiction involves taking a hard look at yourself and your relationship to sex, deciding what does and does not work in your life, and engaging active help from other people who are in the process of change and healing…”
This quote comes from a book called “Cruise Control” by Robert Weiss.
Well worth reading especially if you are involved in male to male sexual addiction that is out of control and destructive. But also for any person who wants to be well informed… ‘Straight’ or ‘Gay’.
Each of us has chosen the way in which we work out our journey in addiction recovery. Some of us are really fortunate to have great services and agencies available to support us. Some of us find the strength and discipline of a twelve step programme. Some have some spiritual belief. It amazes me how intolerant some people can be towards others in determining their needs and what works best for them.
Any person…has the right to determine how one works out their recovery, without receiving negative feed back on a chosen way.
For me having a Christian faith has been the corner stone of my survival…a true Christian faith. I am far from a ‘goody two shoes’ and I do struggle daily but through my faith I have positive ‘GPS’ for everyday living. I often fall flat on my face but am learning not to beat myself up about it. Through a counsellor I have been able to work through many issues that underpin my sexuality. No it doesn’t resolve them but it makes me aware about them and positive things that I can do to change. I also had been blessed with a pastor who didn’t ‘pass out’ when I shared about my past and through his input have I have been able to redeem some sense of understanding. It has not been all ‘beer and skittles’ but it has again given me a more informed input in the opportunities that are there for me.
There is no five “minute fix”. I have been on my journey for several years and my quality of life has improved greatly but I am still not there…wherever that is and I probably will be grappling with issues all my life but I know that I am not alone. I still live in the area where a lot of my “secret life” was lived and on a daily basis I need to guard my heart.
My wife and family have been so supportive…words alone can not explain their unconditional love…
For me having a Christian faith has been the corner stone of my survival…a true Christian faith. I am far from a ‘goody two shoes’ and I do struggle daily but through my faith I have positive ‘GPS’ for everyday living. I often fall flat on my face but am learning not to beat myself up about it. Through a counsellor I have been able to work through many issues that underpin my sexuality. No it doesn’t resolve them but it makes me aware about them and positive things that I can do to change. I also had been blessed with a pastor who didn’t ‘pass out’ when I shared about my past and through his input have I have been able to redeem some sense of understanding. It has not been all ‘beer and skittles’ but it has again given me a more informed input in the opportunities that are there for me.
There is no five “minute fix”. I have been on my journey for several years and my quality of life has improved greatly but I am still not there…wherever that is and I probably will be grappling with issues all my life but I know that I am not alone. I still live in the area where a lot of my “secret life” was lived and on a daily basis I need to guard my heart.
My wife and family have been so supportive…words alone can not explain their unconditional love…
My experience encourages me. I love people and have worked with people from many different backgrounds in my career. To be there, to listen and to share with those…no matter what road they travel…if they are lost or alone there is a hope for fulfilling life free from bondage to their compulsive and destructive sexual behaviour …but that desire needs to come from within.
My links on my blog have been put to help those regardless of orientation. Sexual addiction knows no boundaries…
My links on my blog have been put to help those regardless of orientation. Sexual addiction knows no boundaries…
