The Cycle and Me...

The addictive cycle that seems to be common with sexual addiction as discussed by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. consists of four steps that intensify with each is completion. The cycle progresses through preoccupation, ritualization, compulsive sexual behaviour, and despair. In his book Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, describes these four steps as follows:

1. Preoccupation is the mood or trance like state that the sex addicts’ mind is engrossed in the thoughts of sex, a mental state that induces the obsessive search for sexual stimulation.
2. Ritualization is the routines that the addict establishes that lead up to sexual behaviour. This ritualization intensifies the preoccupation adding to it arousal and excitement.
3. Compulsive Sexual Behaviour is the actual sexual act that preoccupation and ritualization lead to. For sexual addicts’, this behaviour becomes uncontrollable.
4. Despair the utter feeling of hopelessness that the sexual addict has about his or her sexual behaviour.

So how is it truly for me?  Well to be honest it is not that great. I have moments where I feel quite in ‘control’ and then I lose it. I know all the ‘right’ things and been there done that but the cycle of addiction just keeps going around. Where am I going…what am I doing? Well I feel I lost and just get all confused at times. With multiple compulsions such as eating, drinking and cruising I have sometimes just ended up in a state that I feel ill.

The trouble is I am good at putting on the face…I call it my mask so on the outside I appear fine but on the inside and in my daily routine I am a mess. This is also not helped in part by the fact that I have no person to turn to help me out. So I really just have to go on my past knowledge and my reading. But this is really not adequate and finding someone I can trust and provide accountability is very difficult where I am currently living.

I came across this in reading “Cruise Control”
“No amount of information is going to stop a sex addict from repeating patterns of problem behaviour. You can only meaningfully change your behaviour by taking deliberate, on going, active and committed steps toward change…one day at a time.” (Weiss)

 Struggling with compulsive sexual behaviour and thoughts I know that my coping mechanisms have been totally inappropriate…my default button in the end has been just to go and act out. I also had some other pretty unhealthy ways of dealing with things that just seemed to put me further under. I eat big time to stuff myself full or have several drinks. That just compounds a weight issue that I have.

I hope that it gets better the further down the track I go. I had at one time been in a very good space but that seems to have gone.  At present I am trying to develop more effective ways to handle things and also not to put myself in a position of isolation. It has taken me several years to get to this point and believe you me there have been plenty of diversions on the way.

Sounds  great. Yes!!! But I know it I still fall flat on my face… and grovel around in some pit of pathetic beating myself up and what’s the point and…

That’s why I have been interested in the writing outlined in the previous blog entry and the steps that I need to put in place to ensure some hope of pulling myself out of the hole that I am in at present.


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Pursuit is the proof of your desire...

Quote from Si Rogers at a Seminar

“Pursuit is the proof of your desire. You will never possess what you are not willing to pursue.”

I have reflected upon these words and thought how true they are. How true they have been in the past where I pursued my sexual wants and desires with great determination and succeeded but now how I am trying to harness the same desire to get my life back to a manageable and honest living state. In my reading I came across the following. It was written from a business perspective but for me it summed up the ideas that I have been focusing on and I finding it of great help as I try to get my life back together ‘again!!’
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“Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything.”- Napoleon Hill

I have heard many people play lip service to the concept of having a desire. They tell you they desire an education, a better life, a better relationship, a better job, a better salary… and the list goes on. They say they desire, but is it really desire? How do you know that someone truly desires a thing? What differentiates desires from wishes, wants and needs? Is there anything you desire? What are you doing about it?

“The proof of desire is pursuit” – Mike Murdock

The real proof that something is a desire is pursuit. Desire is the starting point of all achievement, and if what you have is truly a desire, you will get yourself compelled to do something about it. Desire transcends wishes, wants or needs. The fact that you wish or want something doesn’t mean you’ll get it, the fact that something is a need doesn’t guarantee it, either. If however you have been able to move your want into a desire, you are on the road that leads inevitably to achievement.

… Desire is like drug, once you are high on it, achievement becomes natural. If you are not confident you will achieve it, it’s not yet a desire. Now, you must be wondering, “if desiring something is so good, how do I get myself into a state where I truly desire what I thought I desired?” How do I convert my wants into desires, burning desires… How do I fire myself to achieve?

As you guessed, it can’t be easy…Here are however a few things you can do that will guarantee you a burning desire that will ultimately get you what you wanted.

1.        Set clear goals – Clear goals stimulate the desire to achieve them. The clearer your goal the more compelling it is. Your goals need to be SMART – Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time-bound.

2.     Surround yourself with high spirited people – The greatest motivator or demotivator you will ever have are the people you surround yourself with. If you surround yourself with negative people, you already have a leak in your tank. If all your friends tell you it can be done, you can do it and they believe in you.

3.   Get the pictures – Whatever it is you desire, get a picture of it, and surround yourself with it. Let it be on your desktop, let it be in your room, keep it in your daily journal, place it where you’ll see it. There is something about vision that stimulates desire…

4.     Take action…Don’t just talk about it, take immediate action. Find out what the next physical step to take is, and take it. Motivation follows action! Don’t engage in analysis that paralyses do the immediate next step and go on from there. Many people don’t act at all because they want to see it all conclusively before they start.

5.   Burn your ships and bridges – Clear out all your alternatives. Close your back doors. Make the consequences of your inaction huge…Find the escape routes you have created for yourself and close them one by one…

6.     Read Positive and Developmental information daily – One of the best things you can do to yourself is to change. The key drivers of change are people and new information. Look for articles, books, seminars, audios etc. that cover the areas you are interested in…

Article has been edited. http://www.deoluakinyemi.com/the-proof-of-desire/

The Door...

                           

 He who is outside the door has already a good part of his journey behind him.

—Dutch Proverb

When we see how far we strayed from the kind of men we wanted to be, we are overwhelmed by how far we have to go to get back on the track. Perhaps we see clearly for the first time how unfair we were or how much we hurt those we love. Maybe we see how pervasive our compulsions are in our lives and how much we missed.

That is when we are most ready to do the work of recovery and become most spiritual. It is helpful at those times to remember that this is a journey. Although at times the distance seems overwhelming, all of us are on the path. As long as we live, we never reach a point where we can stop growing. The important thing is we are on the path; we have a good part of our journey behind us. Once begun, outside the door, we are progressing …

Edited.Touchstone for Men (Hazeldene)

Starting again...

Well after along absence and a fit of "whatever" I have come back to my blog. In my "fit" I deleted all my previous entries but have decided to give the blog a tidy up and a new title... the same old issues are still there but hey at least I can feel as though I can move on.

As for many who know about compulsive behaviour you think that recovery is going just right and then you "fall" flat on your face and have the same issues to work through again. Some things are easier to work through but then there is also the new issues arising from the "fall". So let’s see how it goes this time round...

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